Age: 44 Joined: 09 Oct 2010 Posts: 23 Location: Estonia
Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2011 9:22 pm
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
A woman drops off her car at a repair shop.
When she comes back to collect it the repairman says;
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
A young, successful lawyer opened the door of his car a little careless.
A truck come along and hits the door off the car.
Excited, the attorney hops from one foot to the other: "My BMW, my brand new BMW."
Meanwhile, a policeman arrived at the accident scene. Shaking his head, he goes to the lawyer: "You are so materialistic that you didnt remarked that your whole arm was cut off by the truck."
Horrified, the lawyer looks at the stump and scream:
"Noooo, where is my Rolex?"
Age: 74 Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 67 Location: Montana USA
Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2011 7:19 pm
DemonicJ wrote:
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
Kinda makes you wonder. I read that TV commercials are made to be understood at a 4th grade level. I can't even guess what a product warning like this is leveled at . Good one Jay!
_________________ I used to have a handle on life.....but it broke off.
Age: 74 Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 67 Location: Montana USA
Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:02 am
Jeanne wrote:
What was man trying to do when he discovered we can milk a cow?
Maybe his mother cut him off the breast to soon .
[ Added: Sun Dec 18, 2011 5:53 pm ]
orcachick2005 wrote:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
furious.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
This was a really tough one because the humor was great all the way around Congratulations to this weeks new winner orcachick2005
Here's another one to start the new week :
A little boy wanted
$100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to
Write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When The postal
Authorities received
The letter addressed to
God, USA
They decided to send it to
President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he
Instructed his secretary to send the little boy a
$5.00 bill.
He thought this would appear to
Be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted
With the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you
Note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, D.C. and those
A**holes took $95.00 in taxes.
_________________ I used to have a handle on life.....but it broke off.
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
_________________ Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
She sends him a SMS message:
- My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.
He answers:
- I’m on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?
And some seasonal jokes:
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Age: 74 Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 67 Location: Montana USA
Posted: Mon Dec 26, 2011 12:11 am
Congratulations to this weeks new winner (again) orcachick2005. Great joke .
orcachick2005 wrote:
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
_________________ I used to have a handle on life.....but it broke off.
Squee! I won again! I'm running low on jokes... but here's another good one.
In a small Midwestern town, an enterprising businessman started construction on a new building to house a strip club he hoped to open, feeling there was a high demand for such a business in the town. The local church vehemently disagreed and, fearing for the souls of everyone in their town, started a campaign to block the strip club from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed right up until the week before opening when lightning struck the building and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the strip club owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this case. It appears that we have a strip club owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
_________________ Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
Age: 74 Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 67 Location: Montana USA
Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2012 5:19 am
orcachick2005 wrote:
In a small Midwestern town, an enterprising businessman started construction on a new building to house a strip club he hoped to open, feeling there was a high demand for such a business in the town. The local church vehemently disagreed and, fearing for the souls of everyone in their town, started a campaign to block the strip club from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed right up until the week before opening when lightning struck the building and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the strip club owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this case. It appears that we have a strip club owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
Congratulations Orca, your this weeks winner !!
Congratulations for also being Decembers big winner Good job
orcachick2005 wrote:
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
[ Added: Sun Jan 08, 2012 4:55 pm ] No jokes for the week, so no winners .
[ Added: Mon Jan 09, 2012 3:00 pm ] Okay everyone, let's start off another week with a funny :
"The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends----if they're okey, then it's you."
_________________ I used to have a handle on life.....but it broke off.
Squee! I won three weeks in a row! And the overall December contest! I'm out of jokes at the moment, but I'll try looking around to see what I can find. But it's no fun if I keep winning only because no one else has entered.
_________________ Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
ähhm, I am no one? But yours were really much better then mines
-----------------------
An internist says to his charge: "I am sorry, but I am not able to find a reason for your disease. Maybe its caused of the alcohol."
The patient answers: "Well, OK, then I will be back if you are dry again."
Perhaps I should have phrased that as, "It will be no fun if I enter this week and win because no one else has entered!" Because that's what I meant to say. Though I suppose now it doesn't count anymore because you've entered.
Love your joke, by the way.
_________________ Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
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