Age: 74 Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 67 Location: Montana USA
Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:38 pm
luckystar wrote:
I have no good jokes
Try getting them from off the net. I've gotten almost all of mine from e-mails that friends have sent me . It doesn't even have to be a 'joke', just something with humor.
[ Added: Sun Jan 15, 2012 6:54 pm ]
Congratulations whenonlagain, your this weeks winner !
"
Quote:
An internist says to his charge: "I am sorry, but I am not able to find a reason for your disease. Maybe its caused of the alcohol."
The patient answers: "Well, OK, then I will be back if you are dry again."
_________________ I used to have a handle on life.....but it broke off.
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
_________________ I used to have a handle on life.....but it broke off.
Teacher: "What is a turbot?"
John: "A really flat fish."
Teacher: "Right and do you also know why it is such flat?"
John: "Cause he had sex with a whale."
The teacher is horrified now and send John to the principal.
John defend: "The teacher gives me such provocative questions every time, I think the next question will be 'why does the frog have such big eyes?'"
Principal: "What? why?"
John: "Cause the frog have seen it."
Age: 44 Joined: 09 Oct 2010 Posts: 23 Location: Estonia
Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:03 pm
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
_________________ A smile means the same in all languages
Age: 74 Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 67 Location: Montana USA
Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2012 2:05 am
Heili wrote:
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Congratulations Heili for being the weeks new winner !
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History: Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She sees a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright Japanese foreign exchange student , who has his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he says.
'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Akio: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', says the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult... ' Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he says: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
At this point, the teacher snaps at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.' She hears a loud whisper: 'F_ _ k the Japs,'. 'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Akio puts his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Akio says, 'George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? ******* this!'
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone says, 'You little s--t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone says, 'Oh s--t, We're screwed!'
Little Akio says quietly, 'The American people, November 4, 2008!'
_________________ I used to have a handle on life.....but it broke off.
Susan was traveling back to her hometown and, responding to Mother Nature, decided to pull over at one of those rest areas on the side of the highway.
She went into the washroom. Finding the first stall to be taken, she went into the second stall and had just sat down when she heard a voice from the other stall.
"Hi there, how's it going?"
Susan was not the type to strike up conversations with strangers while sitting on the toilet in the restroom on the side of the road. She didn't know what to do, but finally she said, "Not bad."
Then the voice said, "So, what are you doing?"
At that point, Susan was starting to find the situation a bit weird, but answered back, "Well, I'm heading back east."
Then she heard the person, all flustered, say, "Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, the idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"
_________________ Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
Age: 74 Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 67 Location: Montana USA
Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2012 1:09 am
Heili wrote:
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Congratulations Heili, your January's big winner !!!
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
_________________ I used to have a handle on life.....but it broke off.
Now I have to start with a new small laughter, that doesnt count.
It doesnt count cause Milee left us, so I got asked if I will be the transitional Jokemaster.
If you are interested in doing that job please ask someone of the leaderteam!
Hope some of you will join that contest anyway!
Age: 44 Joined: 09 Oct 2010 Posts: 23 Location: Estonia
Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 7:30 pm
New Virus Warning
here is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer- Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Joke that doesnt count:
Professor: "The postman is able to run 12km/h and the dachshund 16km/h. The way from the door to the fence will be 50m. When do the dachshund catch the postman?
Please solve that graphical"
Student: "I cant paint a dachshund."
[ Added: Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:37 am ]
This weeks winner:
nobody
Because nobody is perfect!
[ Added: Mon Mar 19, 2012 2:15 pm ]
CONTEST STOPPED
Reason: No attendants for weeks
More jokes are welcome, but no reward for it!
########################################
<<<<Warning: Dont try that at home!!>>>>
A mans parakeet has a spleen.
He always say: "I am a communist!"
His holder tried everything to break that habit but nothing worked.
Some day the man has to leave for a official journey and cant take his parakeet with him, so he left him in the refrigerator.
After his return he takes a look in it and the parakeet is still alive. The parakeet just takes some hours to rewarm.
But something is different the man thinks: The parakeet doesnt say any word.
The man ask his bird: "Are you a communist?"
And the bird answers: "Nooo, two days of Siberia... thats enough!"
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum You cannot attach files in this forum You can download files in this forum